I just wrote the following to a friend of mine – a little venting for my soul:
My loneliness is not a desperate one. I’m just aware of it and know that I’ll be better off expressing it. I’ve gone a while without a great deal of intimate interaction, and this weekend a very intimate interaction happened right in front of me and it just reminded me of how starved I feel for that deep sharing of love. I’ve had to batten down the hatches and get real busy, like you, and that has meant less time with the people I love. And now my soul wants once again to inhale.
I’ve seen myself pull back from sharing intimacy and feeling frustration at this at the same time, knowing that I have been making a choice not to be intimate with people who want that with me (when I say be intimate, this can be everything from quality conversation time to cuddling to sex to singing or dancing or laughing or crying with someone… ). This winter has me feeling tired, beat-down, and needing of more “healing time” than I would normally need. And plus I often heal well alone, and I don’t want to impose myself on anybody.
And yet intimacy is the most healing time of all, especially with someone else who can synchronize with you and act as a mirror and a complement to what you are thinking. But I admit, I am afraid. I don’t want to break down and cry in the arms of someone who will be scared by it or get the wrong message about it. My need to tighten up, get busy, and thrust forward has gotten me used to not being intimate; it has kept alive the illusion that I can go on like this for an indefinite period of time. Sure, I can–but at what price? How much of my life to I want to look back on in regret?
If this feels a bit strong, I apologize, and don’t worry–it’s not a call for you to come running. I just feel better getting this off my chest, and I know you will understand. I do have people and diversions around me that I can turn to that will definitely help. But I already feel so much better. You’re a good friend for bearing with me, and I love you very much.