Another late day at work. Weeks going by without seeing the ones I love. A constant feeling like I’m missing out on life.
Not everything is always like this. It’s just that, being so busy, sometimes I get real frustrated… my sense of justice tells me that I am cheating myself to devote so much time to things that cut into time I could spend with people I love, doing things I love to do.
The worst part is feeling like I’m playing obligations. Three friends want to see me, but I need time to sleep, and then there’s work, not to mention the errands I need to do. And I need to relax in between everything. Opportunity costs surge.
Plus… I live in New England, and the winter here is long, dark, and cold, and it gets to me, admittedly.
I’m gonna say it loudly: I FUCKING HATE LIVING LIKE THIS.
Pretty positive, eh? Actually… yeah! I didn’t hold it in. I got my truth out. I didn’t wait till it became unbearable and ripped me to shreds (as I was prone to do in the past). I can tolerate this situation (I am tolerating this situation, so in some ways I’m just feeling annoyed, not really at the end of my rope or anything. But that doesn’t mean it’s right, or that I like it… and it certainly won’t make things any better for me to try to pretend as though I do like it.
So yeah. Although I have it under control, I still fucking hate it. Better to feel that way sooner than later if it isn’t getting any better and you’re going to feel that way anyway, right?
What am I going to do about this? Rest assured, I’m already doing something. Many things. They just take a while… but I have to admit, also, I feel comfortable with this situation that I also hate so much. I think one of the things that makes me feel this strong hatred is how reluctant I seem to be to break free, in a way. I mean, I want to break free, but I don’t want to become lost, either. I am afraid that my comfort with routines will stifle my life, in the long term.
This is raw coping strategy you’re reading here. By writing all this out, I have completely changed my state of mind. I turned this rant into good material for my blog, and plus, when somebody asks me why I’m down, I’ll be much better able to clearly explain it to them. So often when you’re upset, so much of it has to do with not knowing how to get a handle on the chain of things that got you there. Can you explain it to your friends? Can you even coherently explain it to yourself? It often might be easier to just sulk or scream.
I feel good now. Look at me… back to my analytical self. How you gonna stop me now?
EDIT: a hit of loneliness set in later on this weekend. I wrote an email to a friend about it, spilling my guts a bit. This is that letting go, that vulnerability, that open weakness I always write about that is so necessary for us to function well as positive human beings.