An anonymous letter to those “nice people” that do “favors” so they can sleep with people

Dear person interested in getting into bed with me,

You have *subtlely* shown in your interactions with me that you are not paying attention to my situation beyond how it might impact your ability to get cuddles/sex. Which is a bit better than the average rapist, but certainly not good enough for a real connection. If you want to have a willing cuddle partner/sex partner/significant other, you’ve got to be willing to see and care about things from *their* perspective.

I don’t shame your interest in sex at all. It’s natural to want this. But the minute you put your own interests above those of your intimate partner, you’re being an asshole – no matter how “nicely” you’re going about it. Look out for yourself, yes – but look out for me, also. Treat us like one unit, to which an injury to one of us is an injury to the whole.

The people I feel most likely to open up and share all of myself with are those I don’t have to take lots of unnecessary time putting in their place, because they are already paying attention to my situation before they make any requests. Real partners know that it takes two for a connection – that the situation, desires and feelings of the other person are just as important and serious as your own. No, actually, *more* important, because you are in your own mind and know your own feelings but you do not know your partner’s.

I’m not asking you to read my mind. I don’t expect anybody to do that. But when I am around somebody who truly cares about me, I know it because I don’t have to spend time saying half the things and setting half the boundaries I have to fight for around someone who is just angling to get in my bed. Their attitude shows they get this – they don’t push for cuddles or sex when it’s apparent that I’m not up for it. They don’t do favors for me on the condition that it might increase their likelihood of getting in my bed.

I know, sexual shit is set up in society in a commercial, almost prostitute-like way: Traditionally, the girl is the gatekeeper to sex and the guys have to pay to play; sometimes the genders are different, but it’s all a wash of conditional strings-attached crap. I’m writing out all of this because I’m demanding better, for both myself and my partners. I don’t want to owe my partners, or for them to think they have to buy me. Those aren’t the kind of relationships I want! We all deserve better, don’t you think?

This is me doing my part. You do your part too. You’ll feel better, your partners will feel more comfortable, and you will avoid being labeled a creep. And I promise I won’t blackball you for being honest about your intentions – we all have these feelings about someone, don’t we? Besides, it’s much worse in fact to try to slyly manipulate someone into letting you touch them despite them actually wanting something different, don’t you think?

–Your love interest

This entry was posted in Conflict and dealing with negativity, Making connection, Sex and sexuality, Short posts and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to An anonymous letter to those “nice people” that do “favors” so they can sleep with people

  1. catnipkiss says:

    awesomely true……….. but I find myself guilty of being a gatekeeper, and not having high enough standards for who I let in. Gotta work on that!

    • Hello almost 3 years later! LOL. To clarify – are you saying that being a gatekeeper is playing the game, while having higher standards would be more like opting out of the game entirely and focusing only on what you organically want, independent of what your suitors ask of you?

  2. kat13man says:

    You are a self centered person who only thinks about themselves and fail to realize men have feeling too. You think the world revolves around you and your uterus but it does not. Get a job.


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