And then, there are those divine moments that take place sometimes. When something extraordinary happens. Or when you make an extraordinary connection with something completely ordinary. No matter what it is, for a brief moment, the gray monotony of routine life opens up and a ray of sunlight bursts through.

What do these moments mean?

So many of us seem to have the thinking that these moments are once-in-a-while sprinklings from heaven, that come down at random times, and have no rhyme or reason to their appearance in our lives. Sure, we should savor them when they happen, but life, true life, is one unending yarn of hard work, and if it is going to get better, then patience and slow-moving wisdom are your most important friends. Life is not going to change based on some awesome miracle, the thinking goes – so don’t hold out for one. Be stable, rational, and clear-headed.

I am very much in agreement with not looking for miracles all the time under every stone. It is true that life is not usually going to be like that.  But it is extremely important not to downplay or dismiss miraculous things when they do happen – even if you are the only one who thinks a miracle has occurred.

Somebody recently told me about how one morning, she looked out and saw everything around her that had always been there – the sky, the trees, the dewdrops on the tree leaves, and so on – and suddenly, she was filled with an awe about nature’s beauty, one that she would not ordinarily feel while looking at these things. And then she went on to tell me about how, when she would tell other people about the beautiful things she was seeing, people would tell her that she was kind of “out there,” or “new-agey.” At best, if people didn’t think that she was completely crazy, she would elicit a downplaying response from other people – as though it was these other people’s job to “get her to come back to earth.” And we are not talking about somebody who is particularly wild and high flying. This is a very sincere, very grounded person.

What I drew from my talk with her was not some platitude about how magical things happen; rather, I felt she was wending her way to a very practical, everyday point: do not separate these “miraculous” moments in life from the rest of your life. These moments are real. They happen, and they can happen more often. They are extraordinary because they are giving you a glimpse at the wonderful things you don’t always see, the things that are all around you, passing you by, because you are enveloped in the gray of the daily grind. Not only should you not swear these happenings off as exceptions; you should get closer to them, because they have meaning; they are trying to tell you something, something that will very possibly help you better find your sense of place and purpose in this world. Something that, when you are much older, will help you to face death with fewer regrets and more smiles.

I bet now you think I’m crazy, dont’cha?  But seriously. Think about it.

What are we living our lives for? Do we honestly think that there is nothing more to life than sacrifice and purgatory? Even those of us who are making great sacrifices now want to be happy in some way, someday. Don’t hide from that desire – because you can’t! It’ll always eat away at you.

Some things in life cannot be changed. Some daily grinds shall continue to be daily grinds – and that’s fine. Not everything can be wonderful all of the time. But always remember, when it comes to such wonderful moments – you have more power than is commonly thought to make those moments happen, by not only enjoying them, but also by following them and learning the lessons they are supposed to teach you. We often associate “hard lessons” with adversity and bad points in our lives. Well… there’s no reason why we can’t learn lessons from the unexpected things that we derive joy and gratitude from, also! That’s how you can avoid losing your head, if that’s what you’re afraid of.

There’s so much out there to do and explore – and as we get older, it begins to seem like life is narrowing around us. Those things we were told as children about our whole life being ahead of us, and how we had all these choices… shrivels up into an ever-narrowing tunnel of more limited daily existence with each passing year. These extraordinary moments are the ways out.

When you get close to death – which we all will at some point – the things that will weigh the heaviest are the regrets. And nobody can do everything – so then how are you going to be able to tell the difference between the things you should not have passed by and the things that were ok to let pass?

By not dismissing away those things that take the time out to come and visit you. That’s how.

It’s not a science, of course. It’s imperfect, like everything else in life. But if you orient yourself toward these shining stars that pop up in your life every now and then, neither negating them nor demanding of them – you’ll find your way a lot more brightly lit, and no narrow tunnel will ever completely succeed in limiting your existence.

You will live.

And then, it’s gone. You’re not in love anymore! After a while, things return to normal, and you look back and see how blinded you were to so many things you should have seen. Or how much you liked things you don’t normally like. And it’s disconcerting and confusing, to say the least! I mean, what’s the deal with these passionate periods of infatuation? Do we actually lie to ourselves about who we are and what we want? Kinda disturbing, isn’t it?

Fortunately, there are things we can do to both (1) not let the overpowering feelings of LUUUV obliterate our lives, and (2) channel such LUUUV healthily, so that once it is not uncontrollably rampaging through our brains, we can celebrate it and feel the glory of such connection in all its splendor.

The difference between love and infatuation

True love is not an intense feeling that blows everything else away like this – that is the biggest error people often make. It’s kind of confusing that we use the term “in love” for something so fleeting, in the grand scale of things. People don’t stay constantly “in love.” At most, they go in and out of such states of “in-loveness” – which is a very healthy thing, because if we were in love all the time, we’d probably get chronically nauseous!

Some folks, particularly in polyamorous circles, have taken to calling this experience of infatuation “new relationship energy.” I think this is a much better, more accurate way of looking at these strong, overpowering feelings. Because it’s true – they do tend to happen during that “honeymoon period” at the beginning of a promising relationship. So… “new relationship energy” it is.

And now that we are correctly separating new relationship energy from “love,” it becomes easier to keep a cooler head about things, at the very least. New relationship energy is by its very nature always new. As son as it gets old, it ceases to exist. It’s not going to last – and sometimes, it can be very comforting to remember this, because such feelings not only feel good, they can also feel scary sometimes. The way that you see things when this new relationship energy overwhelms you often become so radically different from the way you saw things before that it can feel jarring even as you are also enjoying the ride.

We all know people who fell deep, deep “in love,” and then, a month or two later, it’s all gone – leaving you wondering, “was that real?” And that’s the thing: real love is not something that is going to be proven in the space of 1 or 2 months of torrid connection! In fact, the more blinding the feelings of new relationship energy become, the less likely it is that you will reliably see what your real feelings about love are and will be when the period of heavy infatuation has run its course.

So the solution, both to avoid burnout now and disappointment later, is to do things that keep these pangs of infatuation in their place. There is no avoiding such feelings, and neither should there be; this kind of rollercoaster ride is part of life. And so the best possible way to keep your head on straight when feelings of being infatuated overtake you is to immerse yourself in everything about your life that is ordinary. Make a point of not blowing off your friends, continuing your daily activities as they were before, not twisting your life around in order to accommodate the ravenous feelings.

Don’t completely shut yourself off from your feelings,either, but remain in the driver’s seat. You are in control, ultimately, and you can make decisions to reduce your exposure to heart-pulling stimuli, the same way that you turn off the lights and go to a quiet place in order to sleep. The fact that you are “in love” does not negate your other basic needs and desires, even if it is harder to see them at the moment. You must continually make a corrective adjustment in order to stay balanced, until the sharpness of your feelings is better under control.

The benefits of keeping yourself balanced go beyond just not going crazy in the moment; I believe that slowing down the process of new relationship energy also has the effect of helping it to last longer. After all, the less sharply you and your love interest dive into each other, the less likely it is that you are going to hit a sudden state of saturation – the point at which you finally hit overload. The last thing you need when you have strong feelings already jerking you around is another wrenching shift, where you go from sizzling to frozen in an instant. But that’s what can happen when we aren’t prepared to take full responsibility for our overwhelming feelings.

There’s no guarantee, ever, that feelings won’t get hurt, especially in matters of love – so don’t issue or accept such a guarantee! However, by slowing down the tide of infatuation that comes with a new relationship situation, you give yourself and your love interest the best chance for having a soft landing once the mystery is cleared up and things return to normal. And remember… soft landings don’t mean that you’ll never fly again. In fact, you maximize your chances of flying again in the future when you take care of the present.

If a long-term relationship is what you do want, there is no way at all that you are going to be able to construct this off of a period of mad infatuation. A good relationship needs a sense of mutual trust and comfort to thrive, and part of what drives the intensity of new relationship energy is the fact that there is so much mystery – so much that you don’t yet know about the other person. Even if you feel like you’ve known them forever – you haven’t! That’s a fact. You need more time.

It’s a wonderful thing to feel yourself go vroooom for somebody. But if you want to know if these sudden feelings are good or bad, I would counsel you to ask yourself this: Can you and your love interest talk about things that don’t fit with your wonderful feelings? Differences you may have , habits you may dislike about each other, even those “unspeakable” things that you tell few other people, if anybody? If you can, good. Continue doing it. Be real and sober about who your are, what you want, and what your situation is, and encourage the same in your love interest. And if you run into unresolvable snags? Get out. Conflicts do not just go away – they are either resolved or continuously, openly, and carefully managed. It is disastrous to try to ignore this reality.

Let these things be the test of whether a passionate attraction has staying power of not, and you’ll have a much better chance both of finding the right person [or people] and of not getting tied up with the wrong person and then missing out on the right ones. Good luck.

You are the sky

And your presence is embodied in your “self”

The self I cannot touch or measure.

For science has proven that you don’t really exist

That you are not a separate thing from everything around you

Yet it is your presence I feel,

I look upon,

and I hunger to get near.

My days and nights are filled with trees and flowers

My mornings with rituals

My afternoons with the tasting of food and drink

Activities occupy my time

Other thoughts occupy my mind

But you’re always there, all the while.

I’ll jump in the water,

I’ll climb the hills,

I’ll dance in the rain, play in the snow, and bask in the sun,

And no matter how I am engaged,

You’re always there.

You are the background to it all,

You reflect in the wet waters I swim in

You silhouette the trees I contemplate

You spread the sun’s light over everything I see.

You’re always there.

I have enjoyed many lights of a different sort

City lights, strobe lights, room lights, and candlelight

They have lit my way and illuminated my soul

But these lights come and go…

Yours is always there – even when it’s not.

After flying through ups and downs

and twists and turns,

moments and non-moments

and illnesses and remedies,

fun times and sad times

good runs of bad luck

and ugly strokes of beautiful,

I realize that

I want you.

I crave your soft, I crave your strength

I envy how you belong to something greater

My stubborn soul puts down its sword and shield

And lets you surround it

Without a sound.

And there you are. You’re always there.

Even when I am all alone with nothing

You’ll still always be there.

I love you. There is no other way.

–Mitch

Sometimes, things just are as they are. And they will be talked about, and they will be described – but the more talking and describing occurs, the clearer it becomes that such talking and describing is superfluous.

We are so good, with our science and our critical thought, at always finding new things: new perspectives, new ways to press on, new solutions to problems, new ways to make the unbearable, bearable.

And yet, somewhere deep down inside, we all know that there are moments when no answer exists. And very often, that terrifies us.

I’m not, however, just talking about moments like when a loved one dies suddenly, for example. This is the terrifying aspect of things. But I’m also talking about times when we don’t know what to do or where to go, and we get terrified – and yet things aren’t so terrible. Or even those times when a moment is so good that we are afraid we’ll lose it if we don’t take control and define it by speaking about it.

In a society of constant revolution and stimulation, we become accustomed to thinking that when there is a void, it must be filled. It’s always filled! That’s just how things go when society is functioning at its most optimal. You never go a moment without actually doing something, even if what you’re doing is sleeping. Even this is considered doing something. And sure, we will wait for things sometimes, but only if that waiting can be considered productive, an inevitable part of the process of moving forward to the thing that we are waiting for.

So when there is no apparent way forward, no immediate answer to the question “what’s next?” it’s easy to get really really scared. This whole blog is dedicated to exploring the various ways that we can go forward, be positive, and get to the next level. Progressive thought breeds a hunger, a desire to know what is coming next – or, at the very least, that there is something that is coming next – preferably something that is at least somewhat predictable.

Though the vast majority of the time there is a way forward (and usually many more ways than just one), there are a few times in life when a situation momentarily has no next step. Death is the big one – “the great leveler,” as my dad likes to call it. But more often, it’s something on a much smaller scale, like somebody’s anger towards you, for example. If somebody is angry at you and has no desire to talk to you about it, or let you be a part of dealing with that anger, it may become something that you just have to accept. Particularly if you live with the person and cannot simply get away. You have to become at peace with the fact that that’s just how things are, and there’s no bettering the situation in the moment.

Another situation like that is intense pain, especially certain kinds of unavoidable physical pain that won’t go away. Sometimes, there is nothing, at a specific moment, that you can say or do. You just have to coexist with what is.

And then sometimes – there’s the embrace. A hug. A gesture which speaks to parts of us that crave communication, like no words can.

The upshot of all this is that half of the change you want to see that allows for a “next step” starts with you being able to stop and soak up the full meaning of the present. Though you have no control over when or where the next step will make itself known, you have some say in how you relate to what is going on now. BUT when you can see an ever-diminishing return on investment each time you try to push forward, that’s when you will know that there is nothing more to say. The best way to relate to the present, in such moments, is not to expect it to move forward. It will move forward when it’s ready.

Learn to understand this when smaller inevitabilities happen, and you will be way better prepared for the bigger ones. And your silence will flow like poetry.

After talking to some friends about how even compassionate, considerate people can be jerks sometimes, I realize that it’s not so simple. Nothing like this is as simple as it looks. The world is not divided between jerks and nice folks. In fact, I’d wager that, more often than not, it is actually somebody who is very well meaning and compassionate that comes off as a jerk, rather than somebody who just doesn’t have any sense of decency and compassion at all. The vast majority of the jerks you run into are really nice people.

Here’s the thing: very few people want to be a jerk.

Everybody that thinks in terms of the “jerk versus nice person” dichotomy would always opt to be a nice person. Sure, there are those out there that have simply given up caring about this, and lost all sense of consideration – but even they are not trying to be jerks. They just are this way, without any great deep thoughts about it. And, like I said before, there are more people that do care about this that are jerks than there are that don’t.

The problem often starts when somebody who is afraid of being a jerk and trying desperately not to be a jerk does not get enough validation that they are not being a jerk! “Jerkishness” very often comes about when somebody is experiencing a set of negative feelings about themself. They look for outside validation that they are a good person in order to soothe these negative feelings, and when they don’t find it, they become more desperate, more negative, and thus devote less of their brain power to compassion. You cannot be very considerate of others if your brain is preoccupied with your own shortcomings.

If a person’s feelings of their own inadequacy is chronic, they can very easily slip into becoming a chronic jerk. The truth is, no matter how nice it is to hear somebody else sing your praises, there is no substitute for self-love. If you don’t feel good about yourself, it doesn’t matter how many other people compliment you – you will continue to believe bad things about yourself, and amplify all signs that you are bad and wrong, while minimizing any signs that you are a good and worthy person. Negativity breeds more negativity, and so on.

There is a serious lack of self-love and self-comfort out there. In an ideal world, learning to love yourself and be confident in yourself would be one of the most basic skills people learn, from the time they start school. If you don’t feel good about yourself, everything that you do, say, and feel is shit. What we often do learn as a substitute for actually feeling good about ourselves is how to make the rest of the world think that we feel good about ourselves - so much so that we actually confuse ourselves into thinking that we feel good about ourselves … when we really feel like shit on the inside.

This psychological trickery is more than just “everywhere” in daily life; it’s so automatic that it has lead to lying and dishonesty becoming commonplace. “How are you?” comes the question, and some variation of ”I’m fine, and you?” is thrown out as a perfunctory response. The real answer, of course, is more along the lines of “I’m disappointed,” or “I’m hungry,” or “I’m enjoying what I’ve been doing lately,” or “I’m fed up.” But hey, why make it all about you? To just make yourself less crashing… it sounds like nothing, right? Why trouble someone with the reality of what you feel, especially if you’re not feeling so good? Just tell them “I’m good,” or “I’m fine” and move on.

Well you know what? Something like this, so little and inconsequential-looking, is where a lot of jerks get their start. Especially those jerks that aren’t really jerks. Because it’s not at all inconsequential, given that it happens all the time. It’s an example of societal groupthink that values convenience over truth and authenticity – and it’s harmful. When somebody truly wants to say “I feel like crap” in response to “how are you?” the person feeling like crap is often thought to be a jerk for throwing such heavy-handed feelings out there like that. Then, those around such a person often feel that, because of the lack of tact involved in the answer “I feel like crap” coupled with, perhaps, not knowing the person well and not knowing where to go next with the interaction, they are entitled to act less compassionately – and they thus become more like jerks.

This is a bit of a dramatization, I know. But think about this; dishonest, cloaked interactions like this are happening so universally often, in so many contexts – friends, business relationships, acquaintances, loved ones, customer service, public relations situations - that it can be very hard, if not impossible, to break through all the cobwebs and get to some authentic truth! Jerks become jerks either because they cease to pay attention (the stereotypical egocentric jerk) or because, in trying to care, they knock over too many pieces of social fine china, very often having no idea which way is up. It’s tough, isn’t it, not to get mad at the world and start trying to blast through when you can feel people bullshitting you. When the only truth that we can be open about is truth that feels pleasant to us, we are doing the same thing that the inconsiderate self-centered jerk is doing: shutting out the truths we don’t like as “less important” or “not contemplatable.” The self-centered jerk can still be cool when things fit into his/her world, right? But the minute things don’t fit right, s/he could care less. Well … many “nice folks” ain’t so different, in this regard. Be so nice that you are dishonest, and you will have stumbled backward over the line squarely into jerk-land.

With a very, very few exceptions, dishonesty is a jerky thing to engage in. By being dishonest, we are effectively [if unwittingly] sending a message to the other person: You are not trustworthy. “You can’t handle the truth,” as the line from A Few Good Men goes. This very likely is not your intention at all, but it does come across as demeaning and condescending to withhold truth from someone, doesn’t it? As if, somehow, they cannot be trusted with it? When was the last time you were happy that somebody lied to you? You may be able to think of an example or two in the past ten years, but it’s pretty safe to say that the great majority of the time, people would choose to be told the full truth, to be fully informed about something, rather than being lied to and thus kept in the dark.

Now… there are some moments when you don’t say everything. After all, you don’t want to tell a truth if it’s not going to be understood in the way you have told it. But there is a difference between this – telling selective parts of the truth one by one so that in the end the whole truth can be better understood more quickly – and substituting outright lies for a truth that you don’t want to tell. Truth is not always as easy and straightforward a thing as society would have you believe – for one thing, sometimes the truth about why something is the way it is can get very tough to keep up with, the deeper you dig. So it’s natural not to say everything all right away – to make the best judgment you can about what part of the whole truth is most important and easiest to understand.

But this process cannot take place if somebody is being lied to. Because once somebody’s “train” of thought has been routed onto a false “track,” each little lie that is told pushes it further and further down that false path, further from the juncture at which that first lie diverged from the truth – which means it will take a greater amount of time and effort in the future to reverse it all and get back to the truth. And the thing is, these little, small lies we tell about ourselves [to ourselves as well as to others] look pretty harmless, cause they’re so little. But over time, the consequences of these lies really add up, and push that train a long distance off course.

Sometimes people are jerks simply because they have been misled. There’s the person who truly thinks that the world wants them to force their will on others in certain situations - this is why most physical fights usually take place, in a sense. Sometimes, there’s a good reason for such a struggle – but the vast majority of the time it comes from people (mostly men, though there are some women with this issue too) who truly believe it’s the right thing to do. And what about members of groups, organizations, societies, etc., that do annoying and terrible things? Do not the members of these groups have “good intentions?” Yes they do. But that doesn’t stop them from coming across as jerks, now does it?

By now you are seeing that I am directly tying in “jerkishness” to the prevalence of lies and deception in our midst. And that’s why the jerks can seem so numerous sometimes: directly because of the immense lack of clarity about what is really true. If truth were an easy thing, it would be easier to all get on the same page. But it isn’t always easy, and the fact that we often use lies as a way of avoiding truth that we don’t want to hear about only exacerbates things. So the next time you have to deal with a jerk, maybe what you want to do is ask for a little clarification. Once pretenses and misconceptions are stripped away, you might actually find a nice person hiding underneath the jerk after all.

Ever notice how some people who are in the worst of situations somehow continue to be positive, joyful people? Or how some people who appear to have everything they could ever need and want still seem so dissatisfied?

My question is usually the following one: Where are these people going in life?

People say sometimes that you must know where you’ve come from to know where you are. True indeed. But I also think that getting a true understanding of where you are going is equally important for one’s life orientation.

Many times, the person going through hardship sees a better future ahead. Something about the trajectory of their life, and the beauty of moving forward, supersedes the misery of the present situation. This is especially true if the person themself is actively involved in their own self-improvement, diligently in tune with each stage of the progress.

Meanwhile, somebody who “has it all”… where is [s]he going to go? What beautiful progress is there to be made in a life that is already [supposedly] perfect? Does a state of perfection really exist? Where do you go from there? (this kind of question always made it hard for me to understand the concept of Heaven as a child, you see)

Transformation is far more important than we value it to be. Time does not stand still. Things change, constantly. We grow older. Lives begin, and lives end.

So why pretend that things are static and unchanging? For our own personal comfort? In a world of increasing change, adaptation is key. Unfortunately, we fall into static thinking too often and get stuck. And then, when we need to change, it becomes hard or impossible, because we are not prepared for it. When that is the case, even if you are in paradise at the moment, not knowing where you’re going can even compromise your ability to enjoy where you are (hopefully it doesn’t, though).

There is a balance to be struck between continuous change and the need for some things that are static and consistent – and certainly, we need constants in our lives. But not everything can always be constant – and the reality of change always happening is a lot easier to accept and roll with in the long run than it is to fight off – even if you can fool yourself into thinking you can fight it off, in the short term.

You can’t always determine exactly where you are going. The stream of life will flow onward, and you will be affected by this flow no matter what. But it’s a lot easier when you’ve brought your own boat, oars, and sails to the expedition.

Which direction are you sailing in? And in which direction are those around you sailing in? Even if you are near somebody in your situation right now, don’t try too hard to hold onto them if they aren’t sailing in the same direction as you. Everything will work itself out in the future (whether you like it or not). Besides, those that have started much farther from you but are getting closer and going in the same direction as you are probably more compatible with your journey. Look for them, also; don’t shut out potential future friends and allies in your life’s journey.

I would like also to point out, in case anybody misunderstands me, that when I speak of where somebody is going, I am mot just talking about where they think they’re going. I am really speaking of where they are headed in the future in reality. It doesn’t matter, after all, if somebody thinks they are going to fly with no mechanical help, for example. if they can their arms to be big and strong enough to move air sufficiently. Somebody like this, in reality, is either headed for a change in opinion, a big disappointment, or possibly serious injury.

Where one is going does not have to do with illusions or delusions. It’s about the direction things are moving in – something that you have some influence over, but not complete control over. I once thought I was going into a career in real estate – until I took a sober look at which way things were blowing in my life and saw that no, this was not where I was going.

Often, if you take some time out to listen to everything, you can have a much better sense of where you’re going, and where others are going. What are your basic need and desires? In what context, through what medium, would such desires be most likely to flourish? Where are you at now, how does your past influence the present for you … and how is your past and where you’ve come from likely to influence your future?

There’s not exact method for determining where you’re going. And where you’re going can be quite quickly changed by sudden changes in the present reality, also. But all the while, if you want to have a sense of purpose and meaning to life, you must remember that where you’re going is more important than simply where you are. Or – better still – where you’re going is an unavoidably important part of where you are. As topsy-turvy as life can get sometimes, you must not forget that.

Related: Life is a film, not a photograph

Some people are indeed more naturally empathic than others. However, I would still argue that empathizing is largely a skill that can be learned. When you want to see where somebody is coming from or what they’re getting at, it’s obviously not lack of desire that makes you unable to relate, but rather lack of knowledge – knowledge of how they must feel, what their point of view is, and most crucially, the skills to get to where you can have a meaningful understanding.

My own life experience is a great example, for I was definitely not a very empathic child and young adult. I could not relate to a lot of the things I saw around me, I didn’t listen well, and I felt that trying to empathize with somebody was not really worth my time, since I wasn’t very good at it! It was a self fulfilling prophecy that only reinforced my sense of self as somebody who was hopelessly clueless in this area, thus I didn’t have to try.

It’s a long story as to how I got to where I am today, to being somebody who delights in empathizing every time I interact with another human being. But even though, most of the time, I saw myself as a hopeless crabapple who couldn’t make sense of the stupid commonplace assumptions so many people would make, I did have one very key gift: I was better than most at empathizing with those people that nobody else knew how to empathize with. You know, those weirdos whom nobody could figure out (who in some cases were too scary for people to want to figure out), or those people whose brains just seemed to be wired differently than the rest, who made different sense of the things around them than the “common sense.”

I still have this ability – from people who have killed and raped others to people who have been violated and abused, to people who have really ugly, extreme ideas and thoughts that few others will hear… very often, when they talk to me, I find out about these details of their life because they perceive that I am not going to judge them for it the way most people would. Because though it is usually the case that I have never done or gone through what many of these people have, I do remember what it was like at different times in my life when I was thought to be crazy, or not worthy of  life, or when I simply had a thought or idea that was too radical for most people to handle. I remember many times in my life being labeled dangerous, perverted, a potential child molester, psychopath, serial killer, abuser, and any other manner of things that nobody would want to be associated with.

Thus, I empathize. With having “unspeakable” or “intolerable” secrets. Everybody who has been part of an extremely scary event in life knows that feeling.

And that is where I want to start, on the subject of empathy. If you want to get really good at empathizing, you must get really good at empathizing with people that are not easily empathizable. The easy part is empathizing when it is “natural” to empathize. What people really need and crave is empathy that is not easy to find – the kind it does not come easy to just anyone. Even supposedly sane, normal people need that kind of empathy – for even “normal” people have abnormal or scary thoughts sometimes, or bad things in their past but they consider to be unforgivable or irredeemable. These thoughts, these psychological burdens – they HURT to have to keep all bottled up inside. To have a knowledge that there are these secret things about you that could completely switch people off from you – things that, if other people knew them about you, they might completely change the way they think about you, or  make them stop trusting you, or stop respecting you. This is a very unpleasant thought.

And so how does one get to that point, where [if the following things have not happened to you] they can empathize with somebody who has almost died from an addiction, or has had their family violently wiped out, for example?

The first thing I would say is, do not assume you know what such a person wants. When you don’t know… you don’t know. You can’t really empathize. You can sympathize (a word that used to be a lot more popular in the English language, before “empathize” became a worthier, more popular goal). When you sympathize, you are at the stage where you cannot yet “feel with” the person you are interacting with, but you want to. That’s good. Keep wanting to – you will likely learn a whole lot if you don’t overstep your bounds.

And speaking of learning a whole lot… learning is at the very center of developing empathic skill. No two people’s experiences are exactly the same. No empathy will always be perfect. But you can get closer and closer by…

Asking questions

The question is an amazing social tool that should be used much more often than it is (I dedicated a post to this a while back). Specifically, when trying to empathize with somebody, you must gain a good understanding of how they see things. That person whose family was violently wiped out might not be totally crushed about it, for example, if the family was dysfunctional and abusive. Such a perspective might be foreign to a person who sees family as a solid, positive thing – but if you are going to empathize, you have to be open to seeing points of view that not only differ from your own, but may also seem completely bizarre or irrational, or even offensive, from your point of view. And the more questions you openly ask, taking care not to attach your preconceived ideas about what is good and bad to them, the more you will learn (is scaring another driver while driving your car a good thing? Tell me more…)

Sometimes, things will get weird. Very weird. You might find yourself contemplating things that seem completely out of whack to your value system. But this kind of open-mindedness is what it takes to truly have an empathic mindset…  in fact, you actually have a very strong interest, for your own good, in going down these weird/scary psychological paths with people; it can help you tremendously – most of all if you are having dismissive thoughts about what you are reading right now (see my post titled “Adolf Hitler and the 9/11 bombers never had any bad intentions” for more on this).

NOW – there will be times when asking questions may not be desired or appropriate, especially if you are dealing with something very extreme or touchy that brings up strong feelings. Sometimes, the best way to empathize is to empathize with the desire not to talk about something. To remember what it felt like when, at some point in your life, somebody said things that made you feel unpleasant inside, and how you just wished they would shut up and go away. This can be a tough judgment call sometimes, and sometimes the lines are not so clear; you can take somebody into very unpleasant thoughts that they may thank you for later on – it’s all possible.

Perhaps the best way to know when it’s time to stop asking questions is when you encounter resistance; somebody who wants to be empathized with wants you to know what’s going on with them; if you ask questions, you should not get any resistance if all is well. Questions open the door to mutual understanding, and anybody who wants to be understood usually welcomes that open door. But sometimes there is resistance; you ask a question, and… it gets answered halfheartedly, or deflected away, or a discussion pops up around why you asked the question in the first place. If one of these things happens once in a sort of transitory manner and then yields back to open discussion and exchange of views, you’re ok, and you may keep going. But if it’s clear that there’s a sticking point and the questions you have asked have provoked a steady resistance of some sort – then you know it might be wise to pull back, at least for a while.

Why don’t people empathize more often?

Overall, the act of empathizing can be hard for us to engage in because when a person empathizes authentically, it actually involves a certain amount of loss of control. Empathy says to the person receiving it, “take me into these corners of your mind; you be the leader, you show me where the important stuff is, and I will follow your lead.” When a person takes us on such a journey and it leads to very ugly places, the end result can feel burdensome for everyone involved if the person who is trying to empathize becomes mentally unwilling or unable to empathize. The person needing empathy is stuck feeling that (1) they are alone in their feelings, and (2) they just needlessly burdened somebody else with these feelings – and the person trying to empathize can get frustrated and stricken with a sense of inadequacy about not being able to understand something that is important, because it’s important to this other person (once you choose to listen and empathize, that alone makes it important!) The aspiring empathizer then distances themself from the situation,  often expressing a sense of annoyance at the things they cannot make sense of, which further heightens the sense of aloneness for the other person. Negative feelings reign supreme all around. No wonder we so often don’t take the time out to empathize - the stakes of failure can be very painful.

When empathy doesn’t work out like we want it to

If you want to be good at empathizing, you also have to be good at the emotional damage control that is necessary when an attempt to empathize goes wrong – which will happen, even to the best of us. The first thing you can do when an attempt to empathize is slipping away is to keep asking questions – as long as the other person is willing to keep answering them. Make your questions more general, if you notice a conflict in points of view (so you feel thankful that you were abused… can abuse be good?). And if you don’t know what to ask, take a look at some of the beliefs that the other person is putting forth and nonjudgmentally ask “why?” (why are you thankful that you were abused?) Very often, “why?” can be a great tool to get to the “uncommon denominator” – the sticking point at which your points of view diverge, which to this point has stopped you from reaching a more satisfactory level of empathy. As long as the situation permits, keep at it with your questions.

Of course, the other side of the coin is that the time may come when, as mentioned before, you effectively cannot ask more questions, because you will not get answers. Sometimes, a conversation meant to lead in a more empathic direction can lead to a deep-seated hurt that is too overwhelming or uncomfortable to talk about, and the conversation can end on an incomplete note. No matter how hard you try, there are no guarantees you will succeed at this kind of thing every time – and that’s ok. If you understand that you are not a “failure” for not being able to truly empathize with someone, often the other person will still be thankful that you tried; they will be freed from feeling guilty for wasting your time and confusing you if you just pleasantly acknowledge that even though you don’t quite get where they’re coming from, you still respect their point of view as being just as valid and worthy of understanding as your own and everyone else’s. Just sharing this basic bit of confirmation can often be very pleasant for a person lonely in their thoughts to contemplate.

This sense of “commonness” or “likeness” – that we are the same in key ways, even as different as we may feel – is the building block to any relationship, from a partner on a project to a significant other or close family member. Empathy is just a deeper level of such a connection, something that breaks through the surface and forges a more lasting, substantial strength: you know you are not crazy.  You know it’s ok to feel as you feel. You’re not the only one. Very important stuff.

Get good not just at empathy, but at empathizing

If you want people to understand you and empathize with you when you need it, you must make an effort to give people your understanding. Not simply to understand other people; that’s not enough. You’ve got to give other people your understanding. There is a crucial difference.

I have run across a number of super-empathic people who, rather than reaping the beautiful benefits of being able to see into other people like that, become heartbreakingly lonely. They see everything that’s going on around them, and they do the best they can to make everything around them as gentle and welcoming as possible – and yet, nobody empathizes with them, these super-empaths. They are alone, and they suffer – needlessly.

Silent empathy has its place, sure; I feel this, for example, when I’m on a crowded city bus and somebody is standing next to where I’m sitting. Often, rather than saying “would you like my seat?” or getting up and saying “please, sit here,” I will simply get up and say nothing, even turning away from the seat I just left. I have found that the person is much more likely to sit down if I don’t make a big deal out of it, if I disconnect myself from the “giving” of the seat. And that does give a nice feeling. Empaths everywhere know what I’m talking about – the special feeling that you have given somebody something in such a way that they don’t even have any idea that anything was given up for them, and so they take the gift with no hesitation.

However, much of the time, this kind of indirect approach – throwing out an empathic line and hoping the other person snags it – often yields poor results. Especially with people that do not tend to think on this level of empathy – they tend to miss this stuff completely, engendering disappointment on the part of the empathizer. Remember what I wrote earlier on in this article about empathizing even with those you don’t easily empathize with? This applies also to those “super-empathic” folks who identify with the weak and the underdogs; that sense of allegiance to those who are powerless is very valuable, but often it can’t be put to good active use unless you have the skill to be able to empathize with the strong, the powerful, and the ironheaded, stubborn folks out there as well. What good is it to empathize with people if the vast majority of people don’t even know how willing you are to empathize with them and help them? You must take that empathy and mobilize it to good use, if you want to create stronger, longer-lasting cycles of mutual giving in general.

Those who appear weak and defenseless aren’t the only people in need of empathy. The strong, blustery, controlling types also need empathy – and they must need it really bad, given how much effort they seem to put into making sure eeeeeveryone else around them hears them, respects them, knows what they think, knows what is acceptable to them and unacceptable to them. I know from personal experience. I used to be this way. It all comes from a fear that if we don’t make damn sure that everyone around us knows what time it is for us … we’re going to be forgotten. The most leatherheaded brute has precisely this same fear as the poor cowering soul alone in a corner.

Now the thing is, most people are not one or the other, defenseless or brutish, weak or domineering. Most people are somewhere in the middle. Sometimes, you will have breakthrough moments of empathic vulnerability with them – and then, in the next moment, there is a complete disconnect that leaves a disappointing vacuum. That’s because there is an uneven “consciousness of empathy.” Where one person sees a need for empathy, another person may not see it at all. On that same crowded city bus in which I silently give up my seat to another person, another standing passenger moves his leg to get a more comfortable stance, and very accidentally brushes up against my leg. He immediately says “sorry!” as though I might somehow think that he was trying to annoy me by brushing my leg – or at least that’s how I view his apology. Because for me, it’s quite understood, with no verbal confirmation needed, that the brush was not intended. I often raise my hand up gently as a way of both silently acknowledging the apology and also, if possible, pre-empting it so that the other person knows, without any effort, that I don’t feel inconvenienced at all. Some people, in this situation, believe that some kind of kind gesture of apology is necessary; I don’t. When do I think it’s necessary? Those who are really listening to me will generally figure it out.

However, for my part, it is quite likely I will say so, also, when there is something bothering me that needs resolution. And that’s the thing about empathy: often, it needs open, direct, verbal communication to work properly. When it works without words great! To just be able to seamlessly feel together is a wonderful thing; close relationships of friends, lovers, and spouses nurture so much precisely because they give more of these wordless moments of oneness. But in the hurly-burly of sometimes dozens or even hundreds of social interactions we get into every week, you are setting yourself – and possibly those you interact with – up for great disappointment if you expect nonverbal, feeling empathy to carry the day. Not speaking out the things that need to be spoken will not make things right; on the contrary, leaving things unsaid kills numerous opportunities for empathy – including your own opportunities for empathy toward the person you are not speaking up about things with. Everything not tried is one less opportunity for success.

Empathizing is not simply a one-way street; it is a two-way cycle, a mode of interaction that affects and guides both / all of the participants in the empathic moment. It’s an action-reaction, yin-yang, ongoing type of thing; YOU have an active role in both the giving of empathy to others and the stimulating of such empathy towards yourself – and even if you never again interact with somebody, the effects of your interaction with them, especially if it has involved some depth of vulnerability and deeper sharing, can have a longer-term impact on both of you.

Your life is not a series of isolated moments with no connection to each other; it is a constant stream of film, one in which past events influence the present, and both past and present events will shape the context of the future. Empathizing is not just about isolated moments in which you turn on the empathy machine because it is required, then shut it off till the next time; if you are really going to get good at empathizing, you will find that it becomes a state of mind, in a sense. And not just the part where you empathize, either; this also includes the parts where you ask questions, share your feelings, exchange points of view, disagree, and often make an effort to work out a disagreement together with the other person/people, though such a disagreement may be very unpleasant – the togetherness in the project becomes more important. This is all part of good empathizing. As much as you can, as much as time and safety permit, don’t hold back from this process. The inconvenience and discomfort of today will yield to freedom from regret tomorrow.

There are a lot of building blocks to getting to this depth of connection. Here are a few I have written about:

• Feeling good about yourself, and being centered;
• Knowing how to listen to yourself, so you are aware of your own emotional needs and how to keep yourself stable;
• Getting in touch with your sense of justice;
• Being able to talk about the things that are on your mind;
• Knowing the value of validation and just being there for someone;
• Key things to remember while listening (things we often very easily forget);
• Remembering that strength is often as necessary as humility in delicate situations;

So… Happy New Year I’ve said a whole lot here. It has been a long, hard road for me too, and I’m still traveling it. But I suppose that if there is one touching meaning to my life, something that I find valuable that I can do to better what’s around me, it’s to help my fellow travelers on this road. And even more so if I can help the fellow travelers I come into contact with help other fellow travelers, in turn.

So let’s all do it together. Empathize and be the best support we can to those around us. I and those kind, caring folks around me that I am blessed to know are all on the same side with you.

Maybe we weren’t loved enough as a child. Maybe we were hungry, helpless, vulnerable… However it is for you, the message is always that “somebody’s got to lose, and if you don’t scramble, you’ll be the loser.”

Thinking like this is the understandable outcome of having previously felt deprived or violated. But it very often becomes a state of mind in far more ways than we realize.

The conditional if-then mindset is a response to fear of scarcity, in which love and kindness is given in exchange for a guarantee of something, rather than without any preconditions. Love becomes an object to barter and trade, like gold. The more you give, the less you’ll have. And sometimes, if somebody is really desperate for this love-gold, they might try to hack it out of someone else like gold is hacked out of a mountain… and that’s where a lot of trouble starts.

True love is boundless and infinitely abundant – but only if you believe it. If you think all love is conditional, your whole outlook will orient toward scarcity, and you will project a subtle negativity in your interactions. For all the smiling you do, on the deepest level, you will exude a sense of conditionality.

Truth is, we get conditional all the time. Sadly, even if you can get in touch with a sense of unconditional love yourself, you can’t count on others to be this way, and loving unconditionally cannot attain its full power unless it is replenished and recycled. But often, what you can do is admit where you are being conditional and why. This will help you and others that you interact with to strip away fears and connect more cleanly… in other words, be more unconditional. Both your best friends and a good deal of those you do not particularly care for will see the difference, feel it, and respond in kind.

Of course, you don’t want to trust just anybody. That’s why it’s so important to have good friends, people you love and trust, who love you too – many of them, or at least a few.

Revenge and blame are other symptoms of the scarcity mindset. When things are down, rather than believe that we can work together with others, we fall into accusations and deal in units of crappy energy, because once we accept the dichotomy of “either A or B,” we forget that we have the option not to think this way.

Jealousy is often a symptom of this mindset also. Ultimately, we get jealous when we are afraid we’re about to lose something or somebody; something tells the person affected by a hit of jealousy that they must act quickly, or lose out on something forever. The overwhelming majority of time, this is an overreaction – but the fear is very real, and it often comes from a place of having been severely hurt in the past when something was lost forever.

Nothing is ever completely guaranteed in life. But if you can begin to consciously distinguish people and situations that make you feel that love and kindness are boundless from the people and situations that make you think of love and kindness as hard to come by, your faith will grow stronger and your sense of inner peace will grow, once you realize that you can do better than either-or thinking.

Some people use the word “hope” as a verb, in a narrow focus toward one thing, when they really mean “expect.” This can cause a lot of trouble. Saying, for example, “I really hope s/he comes around and sees my point of view on this issue” channels the “hope” in only the direction of this very important goal. If the goal is not met, the heaviness of the disappointment will depend directly on the heaviness of the “hope” – which becomes, in reality, an expectation.

Expectations are the biggest source of disappointment out there! Think about it: every time you get disappointed, it happens because your expectations of a situation were not met. Additionally, unlike hope, expectations are usually more focused around one particular thing, something that can often close your mind to other sources of good happenings.

True hope is different than expectations; it’s more open-minded, especially the more it is generalized. “I have hope that something good will come out of this” does not confine “good” to one narrow area of focus. With high hope (notice I don’t say “hopes” – the less specific, the better), you are still free to find goodness where you weren’t looking for it in the first place.

Now, we wouldn’t be who we are without expectations. Expectations are not all bad; neither is fire. Fire can be very useful. The thing about these things, both fire and expectations, is that they are most useful when they are low and under control. Too often, however, we let expectations burn out of control.

The best expectations are those that don’t expect too much – the kind where a minimal result is good enough. You have control over this, in fact more than you might think: you can choose where to set the bar, knowing that if you set your expectations to a lower flame, you will be less likely to get burnt (you know, I kinda like this fire metaphor). It’s quite amazing how much you can change by changing your expectations. Perhaps this is why, quite often, a good period in somebody’s life is kicked off by a terrible event that set them back; they were forced to re-evaluate their expectations, and got a chance to clean the slate and do it right.

Sometimes, it is true, even with nice, wide-open hope, you will still be disappointed. There are situations that just don’t have much good to offer, occasionally. But even then, your hope is a better friend to you than your expectations – because an expectation lives or dies on its fulfillment, whereas hope is free to change its shape and live on. And even sucky situations will change – sometimes quite quickly. If you haven’t lost hope, you’ll see just how quickly.

Hope is the link between your desires (some of which can be pretty unattainable) and your expectations. There is a lot of stuff I’ve written elsewhere about getting in touch with your desires – it’s extremely important not to lose sight of what you want, because what you want will not lose sight of you. But while it is true that you can’t always get what you wish for, and thus you must not expect things that will disappoint you, there is a middle ground here, in which you can keep the desires you have in a safe space, where they are free to exist in harmony with those more ordinary things that you can and do expect – in the smiling, floating dreamland of hope.

Then, when life changes, you may often find that one or more of those faraway things that you simply desired and did not focus too much attention on has gotten closer – and you will be more ready for it if you have “kept hope alive” all this time than if you block it out. This is how positive people adapt to change so well; change happens, expectations one used to have don’t get met anymore – so they are dropped, and “hope energy” is explored, in search of ideas and desires once thought unattainable. In the process, one finds new grooves to fit into, new patterns that satisfy one’s old needs and often even create some new passions along the way.

The less you hug your expectations really close to you, and the more you keep your hope around, even if in a wide orbit, the easier it will be overall for you to navigate life’s vicissitudes. This is why there are very rich people that are sad, lonely, and unfulfilled, while in some cases, you come upon poor folks who relaxedly enjoy every day, even as terrible things happen to them.

High hope/low expectations is not the solution to everything. But hey – it’s one more tool in the arsenal. Who couldn’t use that? :-)

For this reason, I beg of you: when something doesn’t strike you the right way, please… ASK for clarification. A repetition of what was said, an explanation of what was meant, or perhaps some contextual background. Whether it’s a stranger you are talking to, or somebody very close to you, clarification very often is all it takes to prevent unpleasant feelings that don’t need to be there from developing – and the process of clarifying together is indispensable for developing trust and healing feelings. It’s how relationships get stronger.

Even if you THINK you know what was said, still… ask for clarification. Don’t take “95% certainty” to be good enough. You deserve 100%.

Sometimes, there is still a misunderstanding, even after you clarify. But that’s also good – because once the misunderstanding is out in the open, you then have the choice to sort through it or leave it alone. And feeling at choice – knowing the various options you have moving forward – is an indispensable asset to the positive thinker.

And even though, I promise you, the majority of the time there really is a misunderstanding, it’s not unreasonable to ask: what if it’s not a misunderstanding? What if your bad feelings about what was said are correct? Well, then… at least it’s an understanding. It’s a lot easier to move forward if you are at least clear on what you’re working with. That’s how you win by clarifying, no matter which way things go.

That’s all I’ve got to say for now.

But if this rings a bell, please keep reading.

We are told in songs and in traditions that the holidays are a time to celebrate, to get together with family and friends, take a break from life-as-usual, and enjoy yourself. This is a great idea. In fact, we should do it more often – not just when Christmas songs are playing and everybody is going shopping.

Unfortunately, there are a number of reasons why the opposite happens during the holidays: people become depressed and humbuggish. Here are some things that come to mind:

1. In many ways, holidays can be the most dishonest time of the year. You know, when everything is decorated in a way that is not true for the rest of the year. When everybody is in a “giving spirit” that isn’t the case at other times of the year. When people are, celebrating, shopping, talking to family they don’t usually talk to… unlike at any other point during the year. Sure, the holidays are a time to get happy and celebrate, but very often the spirit of such celebration and goodwill feels more like a fake product of mass groupthink than a genuine expression of who people really are and aspire to be in life. The niceness and happiness is “just a temporary holiday thing” that will yield to the same old reality come January. Not a nice thought, especially for those who are not feeling so celebratory in the first place.

2. Obligations… and further, obligations to be dishonest. Writing cards / giving gifts to family members you don’t care for, attending company holiday parties that you don’t really look forward to, smiling on the outside when you’re not feeling so good on the inside (we often do this all year round, but the pressure to put on this fake happy attitude goes way up during the holidays). Especially when…

3. Some people have things on their mind that holiday cheer cannot clear up. They try to leave their worries behind and join the celebration – but sometimes, this isn’t possible. When “fake it till you make it” doesn’t work to cheer you up, a compounding feeling of guilt sets in for not being able to put on a happy face along with everyone else. Just because you aren’t all happy at the moment doesn’t mean other people should stop being happy, right? But when they expect you to get happy with them, because “it’s that time of year,” then the depressive feeling compounds itself, cause you feel bad for feeling bad! Plus,  it doesn’t feel very good at all to be told to just “cheer up” when you need to get something off your chest. It brings feelings of…

4. Loneliness and invisibility. Just as some of the most crowded cities in the world can also be some of the most lonely places, so too can such social holiday occasions, in which you might expect that people would have no room to be lonely. The thing is that loneliness is not the same as being alone physically, with nobody around. Loneliness also happens – far more often, I think – when somebody feels as though nobody is on their wavelength. As though they have been forgotten and don’t matter. At no time is this feeling more excruciating than when you see everyone around you supposedly living it up – or indulging in every joy they can in order to avoid getting stuck with your loneliness. Even those that are lonely inside still put the smile on. You’re the odd one out – especially if you don’t actually have anyone around to be with you on such occasions.

5. Consumerism really screws things up. It’s not just some annoying thing that for a whole month, the same songs are playing over and over again and cheap commercial parodies try to entice you into buying something or playing some Christmas lottery raffle. A consumerist climate can also get us drifting far away from the spirit of the holidays – a spirit of kindness and compassion. “Buying somebody a present” is not the same as taking the time out to be kind and compassionate. You can be kind and compassionate through the giving of a gift, sure – but kindness is about much more than simply giving something as a gift. The consumerist creep closes our mind off from that avenue of things. When you really want to perform a meaningful act of kindness, it often takes some time and thought to figure out how to do that. And that’s the thing…

6. The timing is awful. Do you ever remember a time when suddenly, many people around you needed you? Needed your help, needed your attention, all at once? And how overwhelming this feels? Well, the holidays can often get like that. You know, just when you want to take some time out and make someone feel special, all of a sudden, it’s the time of year when you have to make everyone feel special. It’s hard to do this meaningfully without getting kind of stressed out. Why cram all of your special deeds for people into this one time of the year only?

Take your holidays back

Let it also be said, however, that the holidays can be a wonderful time to break through all this. Sometimes, you can come into the holiday season with fears of all the stress it will bring, and then, when you are with those you love, it melts away. You open yourself up, and you realize that you do have time to appreciate those special people. And they appreciate you, truly. And that can relieve a lot of tough feelings.

Not everything in life can be changed, it is true. But the holidays are not simply one big freak show that you have to play along with. Like anything else, you can drift in the endless empty perversions of the holiday spirit, or you can make something special of that spirit. Even if you feel like these holidays are somebody else’s holidays – make them your holidays, too. Go focus your energy on the things that really do mean something deep to you – things and people that you feel are worth celebrating, even if no one else seems to agree with you. Take your holidays into your own hands, and do what it takes to make them special for you. If you do that, you will be a lot more likely to enjoy them – even if your enjoyment involves no gifts, greeting cards, Christmas trees, holiday songs, or big feasts.

This gift-giving holiday spirit thing should be done year-round. However, with the approach of the holidays, sometimes conditions change significantly enough to allow for people to break through in a way that isn’t able to take place as easily during other parts of the year. Use this to your advantage! Do something out of the ordinary. After all, the good things a person most remembers about a celebratory time are the good things that stand out, apart from the rest; during the holidays, as much as people may be immersed in all the other stuff that is going on, they are also likely to be more open to a gesture of genuine kindness that breaks through the rituals and sets a different tone.

Just because holidays can suck sometimes does not mean that they have to. It also does not mean that you have to have an extraordinary time during the holidays, either. You can quietly enjoy yourself if you so choose, delighting in the contentment of taking a break from stress and noise. It’s not wrong to want something different then what everybody else seems to want. They’re your holidays, too. Make what you will of them, and ensure that you also give a gift or two to yourself this holiday season, in whatever form such a gift may come. Especially if you feel all alone.

Doing something despite not wanting to is part of life; very often, it’s too big a part of life. Which is why I want to clear something up here: when wondering whether to do something that you’re not really looking forward to doing, feeling like you “should” do it is not a good reason to go forward.

Often, what’s behind the “should” is indeed a good reason. But you’ve got to get to that good reason. You’ve got to feel that good reason flowing in your bloodlines. ”Should” by itself is a lousy reason, and passive-aggressive guilt-tripping feeds off of a person’s sense of “should,” which is made worse when the person has little idea about why they’re feeling guilty. That is why you “should never take ‘should’ for an answer.” (now that you know why, I can use the word “should” here, see? Hahaha…)

There is a difference between knowing that you should do something for definite reasons and simply feeling that you should do something. Even if you are somebody who trusts your gut often, the process of going with your gut in a situation where you feel guilty can cause you to skip the dialogue, both internal and external, that you will need in order to be free of regret and resentment.

The hollow, unsupported “should” very often gets us engaging in unworthy things – living lives that we come to feel much later that we didn’t actually choose. We’ve all seen those old folks, the way they are, at the end of their lives: there are those who are constantly cranky and regretful, wistful about the things they didn’t do, the mistakes they made, and the time they wasted. But then there are the old folks who, despite having made many mistakes, always have a twinkle in their eye; people that, however their abilities may be compromised, still seem to stay strong and inspire others. They may not always show as much open joy as you might expect from somebody who is fulfilled – but that’s often because, late in life, they have learned that just because you are happy on the inside doesn’t mean you always should show it on the outside, if you don’t feel like openly showing it. It’s ok to just feel what you feel. Wisdom has a way of teaching these little things.

Anything that taps on your sense of guilt is a flashing red light; while feelings of guilt are often there for a good reason, they can also rob you of your sense of autonomy and self if you let them habitually run you. Positive people know this; thus, though they will always lend a listening ear to their feelings of guilt, they will never let themselves become prisoner to it.

Shouldiness and guilty feelings come from a conflict between what you believe your are supposed to do [or not do] and what you actually desire to do [or not]. But the unquestioned acceptance of what one “should” do (and the feeling afterward like you were robbed of your time and decisions) comes from not even consulting what your desires really are. You’ve got to get in touch with what you really want. Somewhere beneath the guilt is a living desire or aspiration you have, with a beating heart, which cries for you to hear its existence – even you don’t know it consciously. The “should” and other guilty associations are the proof – if you were free of any desires, you wouldn’t feel that you “should” do anything!

Even if it feels unattainable or selfish to dream about, your desires need your attention. Anybody or any religion or practice that tells you that your desires are sinful or wrong can go eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, as far as I’m concerned. Stop fooling yourselves, people! Even the desire not to have desires is itself a desire!

We do repress our desires a great, great deal. If you aren’t particularly rich, you can’t always go dwelling on taking a vacation in Fiji or winning the lottery and retiring from the stress of working to live – otherwise you’ll be swimming in disappointment. However, complete repression of desire (“putting it out of your mind”) is the easy way out. It also makes for a long road back – back to life, to passion, to drive, to motivation to be and do things that get you feeling like you made the best of your time and have minimal to no regret.

If you want to be a truly positive person, you can’t push that stuff away. You cannot pretend that something that exists inside you doesn’t actually exist. Every person that was ever trapped in an abusive situation and tried to run away, every nominally straight person who at some point breaks down and admits that they’re gay (or otherwise not straight), every spouse who looks for something elsewhere that they aren’t able to find in their marriage (and are prohibited from finding elsewhere) knows that inner desire doesn’t go away if you ignore it. Very often, it only gets stronger.

Some desires can be harmful; when they turn into addictions is one example. But most of the time, a latent desire is actually a calling for you to level up – to change something in your life, and blast through and find a fresh approach to life. There are many motivational videos out there on this subject, and you can easily google them. But even if a deep-seated desire is a destructive one – you’ve still got to deal with it.

So peel back the curtain of guilt and examine what your reality actually is, especially when you’re feeling such “shoulds” going against what you really want. And – most importantly – take your sweet time doing so.

I’ve always been an outgoing sort of person. Somebody who goes out there and interacts with other people (not always in the healthiest of ways – but I’ve gotten way better than I used to be). And I’ve often realized: there are a lot of other people out there who don’t have my gusto for interaction – and some of those people are really great folks, and should get out and meet each other…

So I try to introduce them to each other. Friend A, meet Friends B and C. You’re all so cool!

In the past – and occasionally in the present – I mismatch people. Oops. Didn’t know you would think s/he was a jerk! Sorry!

But the more I grow, the better radar I get for figuring out where people are at in life, and whether two people who haven’t met will gel well together. That’s important to me – helping good people that I value in my life make other good connections.

I think of those times that I have met wonderful, cool, positive people – both those I became friends with and those that were a fleeting presence in my life. It doesn’t matter – You all made me feel good, and that counts. You know, finding or getting to be with somebody that understands and listens, that values the crucial things that are important to you, whom you can let go a little bit, relax, and be yourself around. The kind of person that doesn’t act on their potential fear that you might cause them harm and stress, but rather their potential joy at the beauty and awesomeness that you might add to their day

There’s a lot more to being a truly positive force. Certainly there are times when a momentary happiness with another person can turn to sorrow if bad habits enter the picture. I write about those bad habits (and the good ones that should take their place) all the time. But I’ve found, in my life, that having this core of good people around is essential to me staying positive. To feel like I am truly loved as part of a pattern of general love and friendship, as opposed to a rare exception, and one that could thus possibly change in the future.

This is why, in a world with so much desire for love and very often so little capacity for it, I try to match the people I truly trust with each other. The naysayers’ network seems to spread like wildfire sometimes. I like to think I’m building networks of truthful, sober positivity.

Problem is, there’s quite literally no way to fully guarantee it. Ever notice how this always seems to be most true when it comes to the things that we really really want to last forever? Trying to accommodate heavy desires to climb the Mt Everest of “forever” puts a lot of stress on those desires. Even when such desires are coming true now, we’re constantly looking over our shoulder to make sure that nothing threatens them – more occupied with the fear of losing “forever” then the enjoyment of the desire being met now.

Additionally, even as we may rest our minds on the rock-solidness of “forever” where we find it, sometimes our desires change. Sometimes, what we used to want forever, we don’t anymore. It loses its value. “Forever” loses its value. And though there are some times when, at the end of the day, some things are proven to have been forever in the context of a person’s life (“she never gave up her love of books,” for example), there is no way to guarantee beforehand that any of this will be the case.

The thing is, we are not forever beings – and I don’t just mean that we are all going to die, either. Even in life, we change. We shift. Biologically speaking, our cells are always dying and being reborn and remade. Our bodies are not static vessels – they are dynamic temples of constant change and ferment. Our hormones fluctuate like crazy over our lifetime, even if at a certain point in life they go through a good long stable period. We get sick, we get lucky, things happen unexpectedly, we get shifted, and we find ourselves and our desires changed. Life experience shows those who pay attention that this is not always such a bad thing.

To say “forever” is to make some pretty uneducated predictions about the far-flung future. I often say that it is incorrect to say “forever” about anything until you are lying on your deathbed. Of course, you’ll say what you want to say. But I still advise not to confuse the strength of a feeling in the moment with the duration of its existence:

• Replace “forever” with “for the forseeable future.”
• Replace “till death do us part” with “as long as this shall last.”
• Do not turn any “no” about the future into “never.” The correct positive interpretation of a future-oriented “no” that you don’t want is “not now.”

If there is one thing that the frenzied pace of modern society is teaching us, it’s that adaptation to change is necessary. Those who get too ossified in the comfort of their own constancy are unfortunately ill-equipped to make the most out of life when it takes a turn they weren’t expecting. And that turn can come from anywhere – job situations, loved ones, illnesses, changes in desires/outlook, political/social shifts, deliberate decisions with unintended consequences, and so on.

Stability is very crucial, indeed. But stability in a given moment does not mean “forever” by itself, even if we like to think it does. I do not fault someone for identifying positively with a situation that [s]he wishes would last “forever.” This momentary feeling is ok – as long as it does not stick around “forever” to become a state of mind.

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Based on this article, Bronnie has now released a full-length book, titled The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.
It may be ordered through bookstores worldwide or from Balboa Press.
Details for wholesale orders may be found on Bronnie’s official website.